Anyone can give up. It’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart…that’s true strength. I heard that again the other day and I feel like I’m hearing it for the first time, because it is SO TRUE and fits me right now.

I closed on the Baker house today. By myself. Closing on a house is best done in pairs. It is not a “by myself ” activity.  I could have taken someone. Lots of people would have been happy to accompany me. I think that would have been even worse. It was so hard. The lady at the title company gave me that look. The one where it’s painfully obvious the she knows our story, feels bad for me, but doesn’t know what to say. Likely she was thinking to herself how hard it would be to be me at that moment. I tried to make light of it and act like I do this every day. Like buying this house was my choice. Like this is the beginning of a fun new era.

I know what bittersweet is now and it sucks. I think it’s the right next step for us and I think it will be a great move, especially for the kids. But leaving Emmett and our dream here also means that I’m acknowledging that I’m ready to move on. Not sure that I really am ready for anything. So hard. I feel sad, cheated, and weak. I pretend these are useless feelings that will never get me anywhere but really I’m pretty sure I have to feel these to get through this and out to the other side.  I’m trying to be grateful: I was able to buy a nice, comfortable home for our family. We don’t have to worry where our next meal is coming from. It could be so much worse. In this moment, we are okay.  We are broken-hearted, but we are okay.