I had a very enlightening weekend. I went to Reno for a girls weekend. It was good, but hard. Noticing a theme here…everything is freaking HARD. Although there were moments of challenge (crying at a 3 card poker table because everyone was discussing the lengths of their marriages) I made some serious progress.

I often view this grief of mine as a long, long tunnel. Most of the time, the light is visible at the end although I am completely aware that the tunnel is long. Sometimes the darkness of the tunnel is scary, sometimes it’s even claustrophobic. Usually, though, it’s just the journey I know I’m supposed to take. Occasionally, I guess I should say rarely, it’s even a little comforting. At those times, I feel like I’m destined to learn something that other people aren’t gifted with. As though I will have this surreal experience that is only for me. Each day, I’m getting a little more comfortable with my tunnel even though sometimes I get pretty sick and tired of it. Occasionally, I can get out of the tunnel, perhaps through a set of philosophical stairs, up and out to the outside world for a visit, but I always know that I have to go back down into the tunnel and keep on trucking. The only way to the other side is through the grief tunnel.

Waiting in the airport, I picked up “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin. I would love to invite this woman over for wine. She is adorable and I love her attitude, her personality, and her writing. It was one of those moments that I got the exact thing I needed at the exact time I needed it. I have a new mantra. This is my one and only life. I can’t stop thinking about that. 

Am I trying to cheat the process if I try to embrace every day and make the most of it? I don’t think so. I know that I need, more than anything right now, to feel my feelings. If it’s my one and only life, do I really want to spend it sobbing next to a stranger the entire flight from Reno to Salt Lake City? Not particularly. The crazy part is that although I was in complete despair for that hour, I felt supremely better afterward. Maybe I needed to feel that feeling and go through that crappy section of my tunnel so I could get to a nicer place in the tunnel and live my life like it’s my one and only. 

I do know this: after reading that sentence, I am not the same. I cannot view life through my old glasses anymore. Even if my circumstances are a little (or a lot) sucky right now, I’ve got to do my best. This is my one and only life. Best make the most of it.