These past few days have been heart breaking. I am at less than one week from when the movers come. I have so much to do and no mental strength to do anything. I feel like all the hundreds of people who have thrown out “I’ll be there for you, let me know what you need” are nowhere to be found. It is easy to let myself get bogged down and feel so sorry for myself. For the first time in my life, I have a really good reason to feel sorry for myself, yet that seems pointless. Sitting around having a pity party…not my style. Still, sometimes, that’s all I can do.

When I truly reflect on what’s bugging me about the people who are not here for me (in my mind), I have to step back from myself and ponder. Almost everyone in my life that has said “let me know what you need” means it. The problem is that I have an unrealistic expectation that everyone in the world can read my mind and just magically show up when I’m needing something. Asking for help usually involves me figuring out what I need help with and it typically depends on me getting something done first, so that whatever I need help with is ready for the help. I get hung up on the stuff I need to do.

Grief pisses me off. Just a few days ago, I felt all upbeat and ready to kick this “thing’s” ass, and now I just want to go back to bed and suck my thumb while wailing “poor, poor me.” At a time when I just need to suck it up and put on my big girl panties, here she is turning me into her bitch. Why do I feel like I need to be frustrated with other people for not doing exactly what I’d expect them to do? Instead of focusing on what I need and being thankful for the people who have been amazing (and there have been A LOT of them) I instead think of someone who I haven’t seen in 6 weeks that acts completely indifferent or a friend who only wants to spend time when I make the effort.

What can I do to avoid this ridiculous thought process? Try to be better. Try to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones at every chance. I have to remind myself constantly that it could be so much worse. I am so lucky in so many ways and I just need to be as thankful as possible. Mostly, I am thankful that God can and will take this agony away. I know He will, just wish He’d hurry the hell up!!

This is my one and only life – I am going to focus on it being a great and thankful life, not a bitter life. That’s all.