I have been a giant crybaby most of my life. I have a bad day at work, tears are slipping uncontrolled down my face, making me feel ridiculous. I get my feelings hurt, the most common reaction is more tears. I get super angry…yep, tears again. Now, when I have the greatest excuse ever to cry, a truly genuine reason to be upset, I suppress it. I can’t determine if I do it on purpose or if it is a natural reaction. Is it a defense mechanism? The only way to describe it is to say that this is too personal. This is so deep that perhaps if I really let loose, maybe I’ll cry forever.  I don’t think it’s the fear of looking weak. I don’t even think that crying hysterically would make me look weak. I think it would be expected and understood. Perhaps I don’t want to make anyone else feel bad. Or worse yet, feel sorry for me. Pity is the worst of the worst in my opinion. So maybe I’m scared that if other people pity me that I’ll begin to pity myself.

When I have a really horrible couple of hours or even a day, I feel so much better to have let it all out. I know that to get out of this thing in one piece, I have to feel my feelings. Maybe not the most fun I’ve ever had, but I have to be true to myself. Sometimes when I’m trying to feel my feelings I end up cheering myself up. Even when I’m trying to be sad. I just keep seeing the good in the world and I can’t ignore the great things that God has done for me. Maybe I’m just not there yet. I’ll try harder to be a better mourner….just kidding…I’ll try to just keep feeling my feelings and being thankful for all that is good.

I’ll just chalk it up to the fact that grief, more than ever, is nothing more than a dirty biotch.