I am sick of grief stealing my fun. My annual fishing tournament weekend is usually a memory-filled great time. I have been looking forward to it for months, hoping it would FINALLY be a time to let loose and have fun with my girlfriends. It has turned into a miserable painful weekend. My grandpa died on Thursday and getting the news made me wish I could be with my kids. Another loss? Even though he was old and sick and ready to move on, it’s still hard for my kids. And apparently for me. I tried to suck it up and have fun but ended up lying in bed crying most of the weekend. Who am I? This is so unlike me. Why can’t I just make myself have fun now and grieve later? I miss Mike so much that it feels like a weight on my chest. Like some big jerk sitting on me that won’t get up. I’ve tried screaming “uncle” to no avail. Sometimes it’s the missing him that gets to me, sometimes it’s the fact that I’ve lost my “fun”, sometimes it’s just the thought of this long, long life alone that seems horrible. I just feel like I’m someone else – someone boring, forgetful and sad, trapped in my body.

Stupid f-ing grief…I HATE YOU.