I have been feeling absolutely, completely defeated. Everything I touch goes to $hit, it seems. I have so much to do and no motivation to do anything. The Emmett house is constantly on my mind. I am paralyzed by all things concerning it. Joyce, my saint-like mother-in-law, is doing the lion’s share of the work. I’m too weak to even help. I feel like if I go to that house, I will die. Literally. A little dramatic, yes. But how I feel. It’s getting so close to being ready to list.

This last week has almost done me in. The guy who said he would help with the carpet bailed on me. I needed (still do) to gather up all my tax stuff and get it turned in but every time I try, all I can do is cry. I needed to call to order carpet for the house, but I just couldn’t do it. I can’t NOT CRY on the phone. I feel like I am falling apart, drowning, really. I try to do all the things I know will help but it is just too hard right now. Impossible. My realtor (thank God she’s my friend and gets me) needs all kinds of stuff from me and I just can’t pull it together.

My friend Brenda called and I, of course, burst into tears on the phone. Hyperventilating crying, not just little baby sobs. My least favorite kind of crying. Once again, I’m jealous of those people who can look all cute and sweet while they’re crying. Not me. Red-faced and hideous.  Brenda took immediate action and took over the whole carpeting issue. So incredibly helpful and kind. She scolded me for not asking for help. She knows I am a chronic never-ask-for-help kind of person and she has always tried to help me get better. Why is it that I struggle with this at the times I need it the most? SO ANNOYING. I feel so overwhelmed and incapable. Now all I have to do is call and pay for the carpet over the phone. Even that seems like too much.

Where is the old Kristie? The one who could juggle a million things and get shit done? She has completely left the building and I need her back. NOW. I am so done with you, grief. I hate your stupid guts. I want the old me back.