So much for March showers bringing April flowers. I think April is the worst month. Skiing is, depressingly, over. I am struggling. The weather is cold and crappy. A few bad weeks have piled up and my world feels HARD. All of it. Nothing feels easy, fun, or even remotely enjoyable.

I am doing a little tiny bit better, though. I am fighting depression tooth and nail. I refuse to let grief sink me into a shitty depression. I am using every single tool in my “toolbox” to keep myself up and okay. I have read of people and their battle with depression. I have always kind of pictured them laying in bed, unable, or unwilling, to face the day. Eating ice cream in front of the TV, choosing to stay inside and act like Eeyore, who just lost his tail. I am making this an actual battle – one that involves action on my part. Even if I effing HATE it.

I have been getting up and forcing myself to make a decent breakfast and then go for a walk after the kids go to school, rain or shine. And by forcing myself, I am talking about using every single bit of strength I can muster. Because it SUCKS. It is not easy. I am on the struggle bus, big time. I force myself to read something positive, and I force myself to write in my journal. Going to counseling is the easy part, once I make the appointment. Luckily, I can text for the appointment instead of having to call.  I know that a chat with Tammie will make me feel a ton better.  I’m trying to be super nice to myself. Today, I took a nap and a soak in the hot tub. I’m finishing my evening off with wine and TacoTime. I know these aren’t great choices, but it’s feeling extremely helpful at this exact moment.

Grief, you are a big giant butthole. I will not let you win. You, my friend, have met your match, even if I’m not acting like it right now.