I am pretty sure I’m in shock. My father-in-law passed away last week. We made it through the funeral. We were 8 hours away from home and my mother-in-law, wisest woman alive, insisted that we stay on vacation. She said it would be best for the kids. As always, she was right. What felt like a hugely selfish act on my part turned out to the best thing ever for the kids. The scariest part for me was how well the kids and I, and really all of Mike’s family handled it. Like we’re numb. I think a year ago, my kids would have been hysterical. Instead they were pretty reserved. It felt like we were all three thinking “this is definitely not as bad as Mike (dad).” It was eerie to realize how we just took in stride losing one of the kindest, most loving men I’ve ever known. I hope that we are not forever numb. I think numb is probably worse than grief. Maybe. Grief sucks so maybe numb is better. Who knows?

During our trip, I got some life-changing perspective. I was having a serious alcohol-induced pity party on the 4^th of July. The fireworks were spectacular and all I could think about was how I never wanted to set off our own fireworks. I always managed to plan for us to be camping or attending a public fireworks show. I thought spending all that money on fireworks was dumb and even worse, dangerous. Is it really smart to drink a few beers and play with explosives? The problem is that Mike LOVED fireworks. He liked buying them, lighting them, watching them, everything. I was consumed by this odd guilt that made me feel like I stole some awesomeness from Mike. I knew that I did not mean to, but it still felt like that was the result. I also felt a little pissed at Mike for not putting his foot down and making the fireworks thing happen.  I had a great talk with Mike’s best friend. Our first real deep talk about Mike and me and my future. I have been completely, 100% consumed with worry about the kids. Will they be okay? Will they have some giant chip on their shoulder for life? Is this going to ruin them? I have seen people in life use something far less traumatic as an excuse to suck at life. His main message was “the kids are fine.” He said they are normal siblings. Fighting non-stop. Both absorbed in their own worlds, but fine. Normal, well-adjusted kids. His opinion? Work on ME, not them. What? I haven’t wanted to look at this freaking mess. Far easier to worry about the kids. Sometimes it’s too depressing to think about what the future ME looks like. Yuck! I am so thankful for that perspective, from someone who knows me all too well and is not afraid (sometimes to my dismay) to give me the cold hard truth. Hmmm. How lucky am I to have someone that will give it to me straight?