Every once in a while, I am cruising along and things feel pretty good. I have a little bit of sadness, some pangs of painful memories, but mostly happy memories and thankful thoughts. Several days will go by with little to no crying and I feel like I’m definitely on the upswing. I can get by. I can control my emotions. I can do this. 

 And then a day like yesterday knocks my feet out from under me. I had such an incredibly hard, sad day. And I don’t know why. It started spiraling when I heard a “Jewel” song that I hadn’t heard forever. I started to laugh because Mike used to drive me crazy complaining about how you can hear her gasp for breath when she’s singing. That laugh quickly turned to crying and I realized how much I miss that guy. I get so wrapped up in the kids and our day-to-day survival that I avoid making this about him. That sounds ridiculous because it is ALL about him, but I guess it’s too freaking hard to miss him and know that this is permanent. We can have all the happy memories we want and I can be positive, forward-thinking and upbeat, but he is GONE. And when I let myself go there, to that missing-him-so-bad-I-want-to-puke place, it is horrible. The world really does go on and even me and the kids keep on marching, but that does not mean for a second that we are healed. 

People search their entire lives for a relationship like I had. Mike had my back always. He was hilarious and we laughed every single day. We made all of our decisions together and absolutely co-parented. He completely “got” me in all my weirdness and the amazing thing is that he loved every crazy thing about me. I have never doubted that for a single second. He never once asked me to be anything but just myself. Every day for the 18 years I knew him. I know that is rare and awesome and that I should be 100% appreciative that I had it at all, and I am so thankful for those 18 years. But right now, it seems like such a shame, an absolute pile of shit, that I have to continue on without that. He became a part of me and without him, I am not the old me. I don’t know who the new me is yet. I’m working on that but it is really not that fun.

The good news is that today feels a little better. But once again, just when I thought she maybe wasn’t such an asshole, grief reminds me that she is, indeed,  a dirty, dirty biotch.